i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
