i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
