my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
