dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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