In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
