When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
