Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
