and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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