Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He felt like a one man threesome
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
