Christians are straight up FREAKS
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
