Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
