Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
