Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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