I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
