i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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