It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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