i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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