apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
