Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
