I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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