She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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