I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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