i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
