Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
