.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
