I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
