you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
