I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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