Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
