hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
