i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
