so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Randomize
