trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
