I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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