so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
