accomplished twins. life is a go
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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