i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
