happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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