I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
