You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Randomize
