Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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