you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
