i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
