dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
