Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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