Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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