I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
