Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
