I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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