Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
